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Young newbie sub girls, this is for you (older subs can benefit as well!). by SubspacedAngel

DISCLAIMER: Many Dom’s will probably not like this blog. They will write me off as “jaded” or “one sided”. “CRY ME A RIVER”, this is not for you. (You know a lot of this happens in the scene so don't be hatin' :)

Young newbie. Congratulations! You found us, the scene. The “community”. Maybe you had known you were kinky since childhood. Maybe you sought us out to rebel against something you know your parents would not like, or maybe your inquisitive nature brought you here. You were different in school. You thought a little “outside the box” from your peers. Maybe you were even the school “slut”! (Not a bad thing btw, just feels bad when kids judge what they don’t’ understand). Yay! We love sluts here! (Some of us anyway).

Here you are ACCEPTED and people are so nice! Let’s talk about that. Not only accepted, you are SOUGHT after. You are a commodity in a pool of people that know way more than you do about this realm. A lot of us understand you, and have put in our dues. Some of us have learned things the hard way.

You see smiling faces, you hear the offers to give advice, friendship, a ride to a local party, event, a dungeon etc. It’s good to have people in your corner to explore this scene, and there are people who will aspire to help you. You see this all the exciting stuff going on here and you want to try it all. It fills you with visions of wonderful kinkiness in your head. People want to try it all with you! Hopefully you will fall into the right hands as you start to explore.

But be aware, not everyone is completely upfront with their intentions. What you sometimes see is only half of what’s going on. You have been noticed, you can count on that. People are having desires of wanting to bring you into their fold or group, couples seeking a third, submissives who get close to you with the hope of offering you to their Dom. The truth is, a lot of people want you and that's fine, but people should be upfront and let you know. The problem is not everyone does. People sometimes forget their manners when they have young pussy on their minds. They forget to tell you their intentions. You think it’s one way, then you find out what is really happening. You learn this all eventually with a few distorted experiences. As you explore with different people and get to know the scene it all becomes clearer. Like a light bulb, “ah ha!”.

The truth is Dominants can be predatory. And I’m not just talking about male Dominants here. Females Dominants as well. It’s in their nature to aggressively go after what they want. And aggressive assertiveness is NOT necessarily a bad thing! After all, subs are wired for a dominant counterpart. It’s why we like them. But some are ETHICALLY assertive and some are not. That goes for SUBS too. Some Doms really enjoy a clean palate and sharing new experiences, they will be completely transparent with you about their intentions. And some will look at you like a new toy, use and be done with you before you can bat your eyes twice. This is not to say that every Dominant is that way, there are exceptions of course. And not everyone enjoys young girls new to the lifestyle, but a LOT do.

So this is what you need to remember.

  • GUARD YOURSELF. Don’t be paranoid, but keep your eyes open, ok? Get to know who you are considering play with. Ask around. Don’t put yourself in dangerous situations. Don’t let anyone tie you up alone without a trusted friend watching. If you don’t know them, don't render yourself defenseless and at someone’s mercy before you have the chance to build trust.
  • LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Don’t ignore your inner voice. It’s there for a reason. Don’t be afraid to stop a scene midstream. Submissive personalities tend to want to please and not disappoint who they are with. You have to sometimes. It’s ok. Thousands have done it before you and thousands will after you.
  • DON’T LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. Let’s say a 50 year old man approaches you and you are not into 50 y/o men AT ALL (sorry guys, hate to burst your bubble but most 18 y/o’s are not into you). If that’s the case don’t be afraid to find your voice and tell someone you are not interested. “But SubspacedAngel, I can’t do that! He is really popular in the scene, he is a rope god! he is community royalty!” Fuck that. If he is big in the scene but there is zero chemistry, don’t let them touch you. You can be gracious about it but if push comes to shove, I’d rather look like a bitch then scene with someone and feel like shit after. Just take care of yourself, ok?
  • FIND YOUR VOICE. You will need it. Surround yourself with strong submissives who have already learned this, who will model the behavior for you. Face that pressure head on. It’s not that hard after you''ve done it once.
  • CONSIDERATION GOES BOTH WAYS! Remember (and this is REALLY important), I will repeat that because it’s SO important. CONSIDERATION GOES BOTH WAYS. He is not the only one who is making the decision here. You met a Dom. He of course wants to scoop you up and keep you for himself (as a rule some dominants don’t like to share), so he will throw you under “consideration”. You better be sure you have had a chance to consider him as well and at ANY time you are no longer feeling it, speak up. I have seen dominants place a “collar of consideration” around a new subs neck and the sub had no idea she was even under consideration or even what that meant! (Disgusting tactic btw). Don’t worry about your reputation. Regardless of the drama that can surround situations, your number # job is to take care of yourself.
  • DON’T ASSUME YOU ARE HIS SUB BECAUSE YOU PLAYED ONCE. A lot of new people have like the idea of belonging to someone. To experience a D/S dynamic is a beautiful thing but it’s not always immediate. Just remember, don’t assume anything. If you are with a “top” and they play with a lot of different people, most likely he wants you for a play partner. Have a clear understanding of what a Dominant’s intentions are before you play. If your play with him opens up something in you that you want more of but he doesn’t, be honest about it. Accept it and don‘t bash him to others in the scene or claim things that are not true. People know more than you think. Just get up, brush off and keep trudging forward on your journey.
  • SUBMISSION IS NOT GIVEN AUTOMATICALLY. If someone insists that you submit to them, call them Sir, or serve them before you have agreed to, don't do it. They don't own you (unless they do of course), so don't let people demand your submission before you are ready.

I call this realm the Lovely Hell. That’s because it can be so lovely one day and such hell the next. Pandora's box has been opened and it's REALLY hard to put away. The key is to surround yourself with good people who you trust, learn by going to classes, get out and meet others but keep your eyes open WIDE. Have fun!


UPDATE: -TWEED- added this in the comment section. It's great advice to add to this post!

1. FRIENDS
Make an effort to make friends. Not play partners. Not "protectors". Not D/s. Not insta-BFFs. Regular friends that you grow relationships with over time. People you go get coffee with, go to the movies with, call to chat about how your day went, argue the best [enter you nerdy thing here]. They are golden.

2. PATIENCE
Even though it's hard, take your time. When I came in, I set out on a 90 day no-play tour. I went to munches, classes, and events. I talked to people, watched people play, saw who hung out with who. After that, I started to consider playing with people. Even then, I took my time. It was HARD because I felt like I wanted to burst, but it paid off. Every time I've been sad/confused/overwhelmed in the community it's because I moved too fast to listen to myself. The slow build can also be really fun.

3. LABELS
When someone asks, "What are you?" you don't owe them an answer. sub, bottom, SAM, pet, babygirl, brat, slave, switch, all of the above. The label is shorthand, but it does not have to become an identity. You should feel free to wear a label like a diamond necklace or slip it off like an old coat -- whichever feels best for you.

4. ASSERTIVENESS
When someone is being bossy/dominant and it makes you uncomfortable, check that behavior. I don't like it when subs glom on to me, and I have no patience for someone who displays aggressive or dominant behavior outside of a negotiated relationship. That person, like you, may be learning. You don't have to be cruel, but be assertive. That behavior is not okay. You are in charge of your own well-being.

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Reprinted with permission, the original article can be found here: SubspacedAngel on FetLife

 

 


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